Lessons Learned

The other day, it occurred to me that while money doesn’t buy happiness, if I had the money right now, I could buy some peace. I would hire the contractors necessary to come and finish all the projects that need to be finished before the house goes on the market. Just thinking about how much stress that would relieve is tear inducing. It also leads me to thinking about advice that I would give my son: Don’t ever limit your independence and your options. Don’t let yourself be trapped. I learned many lessons about marriage and relationships in the past twenty years. Since sharing is caring, here they are:

Flexibility is crucial to keeping options open. If you can’t be flexible, it might be best to live alone. That way, you can have your home the way you want it. You won’t need to compromise or be conflict with another person. Granted, your tradeoff is that you are alone, and when you need someone, you may have trouble finding someone. Living alone, however, does allow you the most independence and options.

The other option is to recognize what it takes to make a relationship work: communication and compromise. You have to be prepared to listen, really listen, and you have to be prepared to negotiate. These things have to be done earnestly. The goal isn’t just to get your way…it’s to do what’s best for the relationship, and your family unit, overall. No doubt – earnestly communicating and compromising are the hardest parts of a successful relationship. Not getting your way can hurt, it can rip open old wounds, and we end up feeling like small, pathetic losers. If you find that you need to have your way or you feel like you’re constantly losing, you might need therapy before you go into a relationship. Ego is a bitch to tame.

The consequences of not putting aside our individual agendas and opening up to honest conversation and earnest compromise are worse than having to set aside ego. It starts with a coldness between the partners, and a “no-go” zone. We stop talking about certain topics because those are the ones that turn into arguments. It’s easier just to let the sleeping wolf lie. Resentment creeps in, because invariably something happens and then all the talking that should have been done earlier, is now forced into the open, but too late. Now, it’s a problem, not a plan. Now, it’s triage, it’s not compromise.

I think the worse marriage advice I was ever given was, “You do what you want, and let the other person do what they want.” That’s probably fine advice for dating, because if you’re doing what you want and the other person is doing their thing, and you keep finding that you’re doing compatible things, great. The problem with that advice for a marriage is that it assumes several important conditions that may not be there.

The “do what you want” theory of marriage assumes that both partners want to be a loving marriage, not just a marriage of convenience. In a marriage of convenience, you can be happy on your own; it just makes things easier if you have someone to share the workload. Great. Awesome. You do the laundry this week and I’ll cut the lawn. You cook; I’ll do the dishes. That sort of thing. But…what if that’s not all you want from your partner? Or, what if your partner feels that doing what they want is a one-way option? What if they feel they’re “thing” is more important than your “thing”? It’s very difficult for both partners to be working toward a common good when one partner feels entitled to choose what they or won’t support.

In a loving marriage, you may not like sushi, but every once in a while, you’re going to make sure that you say yes to the sushi bar because your partner loves it. You don’t say, “You go do that with your friends because I won’t eat sushi” every time your partner asks. Sometimes, you choke down some tempura because while it isn’t your favorite, your partner is relishing that salmon nigiri. Or, maybe you compromise and offer to pick up the take out from two separate places because then everybody does get what they want. In a real partnership, you’re not going to protest going to Lowes and looking at tools then bitch because someone doesn’t want to hit up TJ Maxx with you. Their drill bits are your cut-price purse. However, going along but pouting the entire time is just as bad. Go, smile, and hit TJ Maxx on the way home. That’s not to say you have to run every errand together.

 If you find yourself saying no just because it’s not on your agenda, be prepared to hear no in return. For a marriage to be real, for a partnership to be a partnership, you have to both want to spend time with other person. If you want to be in the relationship with that person, some of the stuff you’re going to want to do is going to boil down to “be with that person.” If it’s not, and you see the time you spend doing things that person wants to do as a personal sacrifice, you’re in the wrong relationship, friend.

So, if I were to take the “do what you want” advice and apply it to a marriage, I would say, “Be honest about the things you want to do, talk about them, and be ready to compromise, keeping in mind what’s most important. If having it your way is most important, it’s time to reconsider why you’re there.”

On the flipside, if you find that you’re suppressing what you want, or, you’re giving up on things that are important to you to keep the peace, it’s also time to reconsider why you’re there. There has to be balance, in all things, or the when the scales tip back the other way, it’s going to be a steep drop. Trust me; I learned this the hard way.