Roller Coaster Days

Today was a day that got me thinking about the up and down rhythm of our days.

Up:  I got to sleep in today.

Down:  A beautiful, wonderful woman lost a pregnancy.

Up:  Girl time with friends and a makeup artist.

Down:  The fridge is having issues.

On balance, is that what even keel is?  Things flux up and down, people come in and out of our lives and we just keep dealing.  Maybe so.

My wonderful friend who lost her pregnancy today has been through the process several times, and honestly, I find it hard to believe that there is any justice in the universe, much less any benign deity, who would cause a good person so much pain.  Each lost pregnancy for her is a fresh, painful wound.  And frankly, she'd make a damn fine parent, which is more than I can say for some people who seem to breed like rabbits.  I don't believe this is her karma, either, because what does she need to learn from this loss that she didn't learn from the previous losses?  Is this a test?  It's a shitty test.  She deserves better.  I know, I know, it's not about deserving.  But it should be.

I wish there were more I could do to comfort her, to alleviate some of her pain, but there really isn't much.  She knows how I feel for her, and how much I want her to have the child she wants.  But the best I can do is offer my long-distance support, a virtual hug, and the promise that when not if she comes to visit, we will have a lot of fun tearing up the town.  In the meantime, I feel like I'm sitting on my hands, impotently wishing for better for her.  That is a downer.

Fortunately, I also spent time with a group of women who, collectively, have lived through all the ups and downs of life, and still know how to have fun.  Women who have lost loved ones, survived the break-ups of relationships, raised or are raising children, and lived through richer and poorer with class, sickness and health with dignity. 

But really, the best part was being with the friends.  Friends rock.  Friday  I had some girlfriend time  with another friend.  We went to Little Five Points, Atlanta's Haight-Ashbury.  Had a great time both days.  Woo hoo! Good friends are the pull-down safety harnesses for the roller coaster days.  Even if I don't always keep my arms and legs inside the vehicle, at least I know they have my back.  Thanks, ladies. 

I'm finding that I as I grow older, I'm getting girlier.  I'm not a tomboy, yet, I'm not a priss either.  I'm somewhere in between.  I've been trying to think what it is that I like about makeup, because, honestly, it's not a necessity.  In fact, I know some pretty beautiful women who don't do makeup.  I think I just like the play aspect of it.  I like the fact that I can paint my face and be different on any given day.  It's like a mask without the elastic band. 

And on some of those roller coaster days, I like having a mask.  Of course, my friends will always see the me underneath.

Today is just not that day.

I'm in a crap mood today.  I've started this blog post over three times trying to avoid writing that sentence, but there it is.  Pithily stated. I'm in a crap mood.  I've sent the book out to five agents -- I know -- hardly a huge number.  But I've had one "we're not accepting unsolicited submissions"; one "no, thank you"; one "not this one, but maybe if you send us something else"; and two that I'm still waiting to hear on.  I know, I know, the publishing business is brutal, MMA, UFC brutal.  I get that.  That doesn't mean that I am immune to the sharp sting of rejection.  I am not.  In fact, today, for some reason, maybe lack of sleep, the foster dog that needs a home badly, or the cold weather that announced it barbaric presence with authority this morning (Sorry Walt), I am feeling it just a little more sharply than usual.

I admit that there is a part of me that is shaking her head and mumbling, "why, with your sensitivity to rejection, are you putting yourself out there like this?"  Because I have to do this.  For as long as I can remember, I have walked around, sometimes questioning my own sanity, because I have narration running through my head.  Have you seen the movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz, where the movie trailer voiceover narrates her life in her head?  Kind of the same concept, except it's narration and dialogue.  Fully formed characters are crawling out of my thoughts.  It's like Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, and a really good version of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, said, "If you don't have to write, then you shouldn't be writing."  I have to write.

I've done so many other things in my life and never mastered any of them because writing has always been sho shin for me.  Sho shin is a Japanese concept that translates to "original intention".  Sho shin is what you were meant to do, what you were meant to be in the world.  If you are not fulfilling your sho shin, then the world is not right.  So, I have to do this. My world is not right if I don't.  I know that sounds dramatic, but would you say that if thirty years ago I had said I had to be a doctor so I could heal sick people and that my world would not be right if I didn't?  Probably not.  You would have said that's beautiful, more power to you, go cure cancer.  So writing is what I have to do, and I'm not apologizing or suppressing it any longer.

But, so just like everyone else, regardless of their sho shin, there are good days and meh days.  Today is a meh day.  Today I might need to let the frustration out by crying a little, or eating something I really shouldn't, like a bag of peanut M&Ms.  Tomorrow might be a better day and I may just send out five more queries, one of which might get accepted, or not.  But again, as Joss Whedon says, if you can find something that you love, then you do it. If you can’t, it doesn’t matter how skillful you are [at something else] : that’s called whoring.”